So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
