nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
