I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
