Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
