I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
