Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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