sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
