He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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