I wish they made helmets for livers.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
