I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
