So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
