just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize