Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
