Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
