rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
