You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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