Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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