Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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