I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
