ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
