i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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