I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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