Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
