In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
