i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
