There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
