new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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