They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
