Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
