Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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