He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
