I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
