i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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