It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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