i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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