I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize