Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
