I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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