Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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