sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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