yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
