Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
zippers are such a cool invention
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
