she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Let's paint friendship bongs
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
