worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
