mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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