i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
