WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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