Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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