if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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