While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
