no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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