I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
