Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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