That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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