After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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