i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
