you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize