You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
