I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
