he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
