I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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